Destroying Your Life For Satan: Go Hard Edition

Jesus Ist Tod

One man traveling through Tennessee allegedly completed a crime spree with such urgency that even local police say they’d never seen anything like it.

William Todd, 24, is accused of committing 10 felonies in just nine hours while going on a “terror” through Nashville.

“He was just on a terror. I’ve never seen anything like this before,” Sgt. Tony Blackburn, told WSMV.

Todd is not even a native of Nashville. Police say he traveled there on a Greyhound bus from Kentucky before beginning his unprecedented crime spree. Upon arriving in Nashville, he allegedly broke into a local business called The Slaughterhouse, where he stole a Taser, revolver and shotgun. He then proceeded to steal a T-shirt from the Slaughterhouse before burning the business to the ground.

Todd then moved on to a local bar, where he held four patrons at gunpoint. He robbed all four individuals but not before using the Taser on one and pistol-whipping another.

Just five minutes later, Todd moved onto his next alleged felony, carjacking a taxi driver at gunpoint. After leaving the cab, he used the credit cards he had stolen from the bar patrons to buy food.

“He was able to find the Walmart on Nolensville. He goes there and purchased $199 worth of items,” Sgt. Blackburn said.

And that was only the beginning.

In the early hours of the following morning, Todd then broke into a local hotel’s law office. He not only vandalized the offices but also then defecated on a desk and smeared his feces on some of the framed law degrees.

Leaving the offices, Todd then reportedly robbed several of the hotel guests. He knocked on their door pretending to be a female housekeeper, then robbed them at gunpoint. He was also reportedly crying while doing so.

He then briefly paused for a change in personal appearance.

“We have him on video leaving the hotel with a shaved head,” Sgt. Blackburn said.

After crashing his stolen cab into a local parking garage, Todd then quickly held another taxi driver at gunpoint. When police finally apprehended Todd, he was hiding atop Opryland, partially submerged in a water-cooling vat. The Metro Fire Department was brought in to assist in Todd’s removal from the vat, using a bucket and ladder truck.

His bond has reportedly been set at $180,000.

“He rode the Greyhound bus and had a layover, then left in blue lights,” Sgt. Blackburn said. “There definitely could be more charges. We hope that there are no more victims.”

Destroying Your Life For Satan: Florida’s Oldest Tree Destoyed By Meth Addict Edition

118-foot, 3,500-year-old bald cyress tree known as “The Senator” in Longwood, Florida, was not only the state’s oldest tree, and the fifth oldest tree in the whole country, but also the largest tree of any type east of the Mississippi. To put the tree’s age in perspective, it’s estimated it first began growing shortly after 1500 B.C. But now it’s gone, and a meth-addicted woman has been arrested for burning it down.

The Senator mysteriously burned to the ground on January 16th. The strange fire burned the tree from the inside out, and authorities were baffled.

Now, 26-year-old Sara Barnes has been arrested for the fire. Barnes said she regularly hid out in the Senator’s park to get high on meth. She was getting high underneath the Senator when she lit a fire so she could see better. The fire got out of control, and Barnes fled. Though, not before she took a few photos and videos of the fire on her cellphone.

Barnes apparently told several of her friends about the fire, and eventually one of them tipped off police. Barnes admitted to burning the tree, and police found meth, and a glass pipe in her apartment.

She’s been charged with intentional burning of land, a third degree felony, as well as additional drug charges.

The Senator is survived by its nearby neighbor, “Lady Liberty,” an 89 foot-high Cyprus believed to be 2,000 years old.

NFL Week 16: Wonderful Terry Is Here To Ruin Your Fantasy and Real Life

10-5 last week (164-69 overall). Who picked the CHAARRRRGGGEERRRSSSS?

Texans at Colts- this is truly a abomination. Wonderful Terry is in effect. Who the is Wonderful Terry? He is the back-up for every position. You could watch this or you could go to Easton and watch people trying to park. Texans.

Almost every other game has been moved to Saturday because of the birth of the swindler. 

Cardinals at Bengals- negative football lyric generator… I look at games like this with complete disgust/ Cardinals are shit/ Bengals are shit/ Slit my wrists/ Enjoy your life with your fucking kids. Bengals.

Giants at Jets- ohhhh, both teams in front of THEIR OWN HOME CROWD. Fascinating. Somewhere, someone in Yonkers is ejaculating in excitement/ excrement. Giants.

Jaguars at Titans- merry christmas everyone. No bonus this year but treat yourself to some BW-3 and practice self hatred with the game on.

Dolphins at Patriots- WHOA. WAIT. A potentially good game?! Pats.

Browns at Ravens- lemme get this straight… did the NFL schedule garbage games because of the birth of the swindler? Thanks. Ravens.

Raiders at Chiefs- nightmare divisional match up. Wonderful Terry is playing multiple positions for the Chiefs this season. I’ll go Chiefs.

Vikings at Redskins- I heard there is a Donovan McNabb jersey burning scheduled in the parking lot before the game. Vikings.

Buccaneers at Panthers- the Panthers have won more games this season?! I’d be surprised if the Buccaneers knew that. The Panthers will get another.

Broncos at Bills- the God fearing express gets going again in time to celebrate the birth of a hobo.

Rams at Steelers- Pittsburgh should be starting Wonderful Terry at QB. Rams… what the hell is going on? Steelers.

Chargers at Lions- remember last week when I said Chargers win the division… Chargers.

Eagles at Cowboys- who is going to show up and will Rob Ryan give birth to a teenager on Christmas? Eagles.

49ers at Seahawks- it is in Seattle buuuuuttttttt….49ers.

Bears at Packers- Bears benched Wonderful Terry to start Wonderful Terry at like 4 positions. It doesn’t seem like a good idea. Packers.

Falcons at Saints- dome teams fuck off. Saints. 

Destroying Your Life For Satan: Russia Has A Missile Named Satan Edition

During campaign season, it never hurts for a presidential candidate facing a frustrated public to display toughness and resolve in the face of an old and familiar adversary. And it also doesn’t hurt to throw in some shock-and-awe—say, an intercontinental ballistic missile nicknamed ”Satan.”

This appears to at least partly explain why on Monday Russia announced that it had successfully tested a short-range interceptor missile; part of its ongoing effort to develop a domestic missile defense shield according to Russia’s RIA News Agency. (The Russian Defense Ministry has provided a video of the missile’s launch on its website.) Russia also announced it is working on the development of a 100-ton intercontinental ballistic missile slated for release in 2015, Pravda reports. Russia recently held contested parliamentary polls and is due to hold presidential elections in March. Russia watchers note the political backdrop to the announced missile plans and their wider narrative agenda: resurgent Russia’s determined opposition to American missile defense plans in Eastern Europe.

“In connection with the plans of the United States to develop the air defense system in Europe, in close vicinity to Russia’s borders, and because of the unwillingness of the U.S.  side to provide any guarantees, the Russian Federation continues to take measures to preserve parity in the field,” Pravdareports.

“Russia does not stand against the U.S. missile defense system,” Sergei Karakaev, the Russian Defense Ministry commander of the missile troops, was cited by the paper. “Russia stands against the creation of the missile defense system, which would be directly aimed against Russia to potentially reduce the possibilities of the Russian nuclear containment forces.” 

The field tests come a month after Russia’s outgoing president Dmitry Medvedev declared that he was walking away in protest from U.S.-Russian missile defense negotiations. “The United States is unwilling to provide a written guarantee that the system would not be used against Russian nuclear forces,” the Union of Concerned Scientists’ Elliot Negin wrote at the Huffington Post Monday. “[Medvedev] warned that, if the United States carries out its plans to build it without such an assurance, Russia would site missiles in its westernmost Kaliningrad region and consider walking away from the New START agreement.” (The strategic arms reduction treaty, signed last year, calls for the United States and Russia to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear arms by a third over the next seven years.)

NFL WEEK 15: Don’t Go To That Sportsbar You Dumb Bitch

Sorry for the delay readers. I was playing poop detective at work (seriously) and hating life. 14-2 last week (154-64 overall). No theme today other than total hatred.

Jaguars at Falcons- Fake ass football team vs. dome team on a Thursday. Recipe for disaster. Fuck this shit. Falcons (look at them Jags if you thinking spread).

Cowboys at Bucs- a saturday game? Why? Dallas easily.

Panthers at Texans- Texans riding that “I picked the Raiders circa 1988 riding Bo Jackson to the grave” move.

Dolphins at Bills- Russian Roulette game of the week. Who will show up? Who will eat a bullet? I’m taking Dolphins.

Titans at Colts- I hope the Indianapolis Colts have an all you can eat popcorn buffet to attract fans because this shit looks like a fucking nightmare. Titans.

Bengals at Rams- if you are a complete sadist then this is the game to watch with your nuts in a vice. Bengals.

Seahawks at Bears- one team has no balls. The other lost all it’s balls in injuries. Bears???

Saints at Vikings- another boring dome game. Vikes could have a chance if they played outdoors but… Saints easily.

Packers at Chiefs- I bet if you look at another channel “The Craft” will be airing. Packers.

Redskins at Giants- I am starting Grossmember I shit you not. Giants win.

Lions at Raiders- teams that were hot seven weeks ago edition. Raiders?!

Browns at Cardinals- Do you feel those nipple clamps tightening? Cardinals.

Jets at Eagles- does every game this week feature two teams doing all the wrong things? Toss a coin… who gives a shit. Eagles.

Patriots at Broncos- I don’t wanna buy into the Christian white god. Pats.

Ravens at Chargers- Chargers win the division, you heard it here first. 

Steelers at 49ers- I like the Niners in this.

Weed$teeler NFL Picks Week 14: More Pissing Less Passing

12-4 last week (WHO PICKED THE FUCKING CARDINALS??!?!!?!?!) and 130-62 overall. See me in the pit on Wednesday for more (s)exclusive sports betting info.

Browes at Steelers- fucking kidding me?! Steelers.

Vikings at Lions- how do all these sports motherfuckers piss? I mean, my job requires me to chill and yell and not leave my room for like fucking hours on end. If I gotta run and leak, I can grab someone and have them watch my room but I am also not wearing a cup and some fucking spandex shit. Lions.

Patriots at Redskins- I feel that if I played football I would want to be that Pig Pen ass mother that stank like urine. You wanna tackle me?! Wash your hands before you eat them Skittles. Patriots.

Chiefs at Jets- Those spandex joints have to fucking stink, rolling around in dirt and sweat. Carney is getting an erection reading this. Jets.

Saints at Titans- I feel that hockey players have it worse. They are on skates and in some funky ass pads that probably absorb urine like a fucking Kotex. Saints.

Colts at Ravens- hockey players can probably just piss. Let it all freeze on the ice. Am I right? Ravens.

Eagles at Dolphins- the other thing is how close is the bathroom? I guess you’re probably sweating like crazy and drinking gatorade which balances it all out. Dolphins.

Falcons at Panthers- remember when old ass Paterno had the runs during some OSU/ Penn Rape game? He had to leave the field to go grip and rip. Falcons.

Buccaneers at Jaguars- if he was on some boss level, he would have desecrated a gatorade cooler as a cruel hazing incident. Buccaneers.

Texans at Bengals- baseball is probably the sport that welcomes urinating in public. Texans.

49ers at Cardinals- those baseball dudes chew on cancer, spit, drink beer and eat fried chicken in the clubhouse. It’s like a man’s club where they say fuck it man, there’s a helmet…piss in it. 49ers.

Bears at Broncos- it seems that baseball may be more bro-ish. Is there the same allure for a pro baseball player compared to the NFL? Broncos.

Raiders at Packers- plus, if you’re a baseball player you may stand around for hours until you get to hit. It’s kinda slacker. Might as well stand around, piss, chew, spit and act like a cro-magnon (Lenny Dykstra)

Here Lenny is eating feces found in the Shea Stadium clubhouse.

Bills at Chargers- I’m running out of steam here. Chargers.

Giants at Cowboys- nothing says pissing match better than any fans of the NFC East teams. Giants.

Rams at Seahawks- fuck it, I’m gonna piss. Seahawks.